writing

they say you’ll be okay

~ GennaClaire ~ 1 Comment

Why doesn’t anyone ever say, “You won’t be okay.”

You won’t heal. Or recover. Tomorrow won’t be better. The worst is not over. You won’t be okay.

Some things just break you. Some moments, destroy you. Some people, consume you. And you’re not just okay.

And that’s… that’s okay.

Those things, those moments, those reckless people. They define us. Shape us. They twist us and coil us like hot metal after a high-speed crash.

And we’re not okay after that. We’re not okay. We’re totaled.

But somehow we keep going. Each day the same. Not okay. Still going. We don’t heal. We don’t get better. But we just keep going.

The sun rises and sets. And our chest rises and falls. And our eyes stare blankly into the night. Just don’t stop going.

You don’t always have to be okay. Just be. Be hurt. Be angry. Faded. Sad. Destroyed. Degraded. Lost.

It’s enough. All you feel is already enough. You don’t have to be okay anymore.  Just be.

love is inside of you

~ GennaClaire ~ Leave a comment

When I was 17 years old, I wanted breast implants more than anything else in the world.

I thought they would make me beautiful. I thought they would make my then-boyfriend love me. Or at least stop cheating on me. I thought those silicone-filled bubbles were all that was standing between me and happiness. Between me and actually wanting to be seen in a bikini. Between the me everyone saw and the me I felt I was supposed to be.

Eight years later, I couldn’t be more grateful that my breasts are real. They are no bigger, mind you, than they were my junior year of high school.

But they are mine.

At some point during those years that young, unsure girl grew into a woman who believed in herself. Who began defining herself outside of the things others thought she should be. How she should look. What she should do. And I began to love myself, breasts, stomach, thighs and all.

And more incredibly, when I finally began to love myself, I found someone else who actually did too.

i almost said “i’m sorry”

~ GennaClaire ~ Leave a comment

The brief thought caught my mind today. Would I ever see you again? And if I did, what would I say?

In that second, I almost thought I’d say “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry you never got to see the apex of our love. I’m sorry you never realized what it felt like for someone to just adore you. To soak themselves around you. To become drunk off of the aura of you, the thought of you.

But then, like an awakening from any sad dream, I realized, you did have that. My infatuation with you was endless. My love, relentless. My devotion, senseless, reckless.

I gave you all there was. Every moment. Every beat. Every breath. Every thought.

And you clouded it. With greed. And lust. And disgrace. And disgust.

You looked straight through the purest of love and tossed it away for women you’re only now connected to on Facebook. For girls who couldn’t ever tell you the color of your eyes. Or why you’re so weak inside. Or how you spent your life losing inside of a winner’s body.

I’m not sorry. I’m sorry if I ever was. Because what happened between you and me was no mistake of mine.

I gave you all the corners of my soul and you walked around in circles looking for something more.

I had nothing more to give you.

There is something that does make me sorry still. I’m sorry I regret you. I’m sorry my first love was the gut-wrenching kind. I’m sorry I can’t think of the good times without thinking of the bad times and absolutely wincing in physical pain. I’m sorry that I, who cared only about you, fell in love with you, who also cared only about you.

So I guess if we ever run into each other, I will say “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for any woman who loves with all she is and is returned the favor with lies and deception and callousness and you. For that, I’m truly sorry. And that is what I’ll say, should I ever run into you.