love, it takes all kinds

There are people who marry for money. And I think they’re in love. They love security. They love a lifestyle. They love comfort.

And there are people who marry for looks. They’re in love too. They love beauty. They love watching others stare. They love showing off.

There are people who love for stability. Because it’s easy. Some for simplicity. Others for complication.

Love is not right or wrong. Not weak or strong. Love is precious. No matter why we fall, our love is perfect. Love is always perfect.

my mema

My Mema. She taught me how to set the table. Forks on the left. Knives and spoons on the right. Every meal was served with a fruit tray and a vegetable platter. A pitcher of sweet tea and hot butter rolls.

My Mema. She left us last Friday.

She showed me the difference between camellias and jonquils and magnolias and azaleas. She pointed our hummingbirds and mourning doves and finches and buntings.

My Mema. She left behind her a husband of 61 years.

She made homemade peach ice cream and lemon icebox pie and homemade hot fudge. She whipped up pot roast and fried okra and Reuben sandwiches. She showed me how to make caramel icing. She chuckled as I complained about burning my cake layers.

My Mema. She left behind two beautiful, perfect sons.

Growing up, she kept plastic smurfs in the bathtub for the grandchildren to play with. When she moved to a retirement community, they took residence in her shower. She took us out to pick blueberries in yellow buckets. She watched over us as we swam in lake. She let me bring coloring books to church.

My Mema. She left five heartbroken grand children.

She would save bows and bags and ribbons and tissue from Christmas wrapping and reuse it year after year. She had a lovely, warm southern drawl, using words like yonder and reckon. She was tough and sensitive at the same time. She was smart and witty. She was polite, dignified, gracious. 

My Mema. I thought she’d be here forever. I wasn’t ready to let her go. All southern grandmas are special, but mine was perfect. My Mema was just perfect.  

david’s “logic”

DAVID: They’re having a violent video game burning in some city near Sandy Hook.

ME: …

DAVID: Why don’t they burn violent books?!?!

ME: They would, but children don’t read anymore.

DAVID: Why don’t they burn violent movies?!?!

ME: Most parents don’t let their children watch violent movies.

DAVID: It’s the parents’ fault then!!!

ME: That’s the common argument.

DAVID: BURN THE PARENTS!!!

a fantasy

It’s ten years in the future. 2023. I’m 36. A stunning 36, actually. I’m lean and athletic. My face has grown older, but I look mature, striking, sophisticated. My hair is long and dark. I’m wearing something chic. Trendy, yet classic. Modern and flattering. I’m at a local coffee shop waiting for an iced coffee with whole milk at the bar when you walk in.

I see you before you see me and recognize you instantly. It’s the chance meeting I’ve been half hoping for, half dreading since we broke up nearly fifteen years ago.

You eyes graze over me briefly as you scan the room, but only linger back to me when you realize I’m staring at you. You take a moment before figuring out how you know these dark, intense almond-shaped eyes. Why the curve of my nose seems strangely familiar. And why you’re hit with a wave of nostalgia when I run my fingers through my hair.

I wave, once I see you know who I am and smile, tentatively. You come over and I offer an unsure hug. You release yourself from the embrace quickly and step back taking me in one more time.

Time has shaped you also. Your hair is thinner and balding slightly at the crown. Tufts of gray are beginning to poke out around your ears. You’re still slender, muscular. But you seem shorter than I remember. Your face is free of wrinkles, but shows age in deep pockets of blue under your eyes. You look tired, perhaps a little worn.

We make small talk. Beginning and interrupting each other and stopping awkwardly and starting over. You tell me you’re married. Two kids – 4 and 6 years old. You work in insurance. Moved back to the Atlanta area after having your fair share of New York.

There’s a brief pause in the conversation and you ask how I am. Before I can even begin to answer, you quickly blurt out that I look great. I smile, knowingly. I did turn out well. Clearly the better of the two of us, I’d have to say.

I answer a few harmless questions before my coffee appears at the bar. I begin gathering my keys to leave and see your expression drop slightly. You don’t have to say out loud what we both already know to be true. I was the love of your life. Your selfishness and stupidity is what did us in. And you never found someone else quite like me. Or a love quite like ours.

I pull my sunglasses over my eyes and walk away satisfied with that encounter. I feel you studying me as I exit into the parking lot. Watching the subtle sway of my hips. The same toe-over-toe walk I’ve always had. I open the car door and look back one more time. Your stare lingers on me still and you raise your hand to wave goodbye. A somber smile crosses your face. I smile and wave back.

I know those grey eyes. I know the way they looked when they loved me. I know the way they looked when they hurt me. I know the way they looked when they were lost. And as I get inside my car, I know this look too.

The anguish of watching the best thing you’ve ever had realize you weren’t the best thing she ever had. And knowing she is much better off without you.

christmas reflections

In my house, as a small child, this was a special time of year. We had a tradition surrounding everything – from looking at Christmas lights on the way home from Christmas Eve service to saving all the cards and opening them at once around the dinner table.

We destroyed the house with an unsightly amount of decorations and stayed up late the night before Christmas, wrapping each other’s gifts and watching the Muppets’ Christmas Carol and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. We baked snickerdoodles. We ate turkey and ham.

We always opted for real ribbon instead of store-bought bows and we never used gift bags. Our stockings got more indulgent with each passing year, but we never failed to get at least one pair of SmartWool socks and a new headlamp.

In the morning, we had a fire burning in the fireplace before we walked down the stairs to lavish amounts of presents around the tree. We played Vince Guaradli Trio as we opened gifts, turn by turn. And we all hated the idea of the moment passing by too quickly, so we all tried our best to slow it down.

In more recent years, our Christmas traditions have had to evolve. My parents, now divorced, live in separate states, as do I and my sister. My dad has remarried and this year, his new sister in-law – fighting a losing battle with cancer – is living with him also. My sister and I both have boyfriends and our time is divided among our houses and their own.

Time is limited. But we still come together. Sometimes we meet in hotel rooms and sometimes our stay is too brief. Sometimes there is no tree. Sometimes there is no fireplace. But this is the season that brings us together. Despite obstacles and distance and challenges, we find each other. And for a moment, we’re together.

And on this Christmas Eve, a moment together is the greatest gift of all.

let them in, peter

My heart, it weeps for each little one. Each lost child. Each parent who stood outside that school waiting for their little babies to come out unscathed. For innocent eyes that witnessed a massacre. For lives cut far too short.

And my heart it aches for that quiet little town. For the teachers and neighbors and friends. For the ones standing outside at vigils on this chilly December night. For the cemeteries that must make room as those sweet little children are laid to rest.

And my heart it longs to comfort them somehow. To offer some sort of impossible peace. To wrap my prayers around them. To sit silently by their side, so they know they are not alone.

May each last lost angel wake tomorrow in a peaceful kingdom. And live on eternal in a place with no pain, no sorrow, no fear.

just don’t breathe and we’ll stop time, she said

Life was passing by much too fast. She was not making enough of each day. And their collective sums were lackluster and insignificant.

The sheer force of how fast each minute and day and week and month was sweeping by left her feeling shocked and choked.

Like the wind had been knocked out of her.

Like she couldn’t breathe.

But wanted to, more than anything else in the world.

to ben

Don’t be alarmed. This is not a letter confessing my undying love for you. (Although, I have considered writing that letter many times before.)

This is merely a letter of gratitude, of simple thanks. I’m quite certain that you are the only reason I still believe in fairy tales. In perfect endings, in true love. And most importantly, in happily ever after.

Not because you or I have achieved such lofty pursuits either together or apart. But because I can’t help but think, in some alternate universe, you and I found each other at the right time. When both our hearts were ready. And no one else was in between.

And so lived love as it was always meant to be. Without clauses or footnotes or asterisks. Without epitaphs and swan songs.

And if love like that can happen in some alternate universe, then it must exist. And if it exists, then I will never stop believing in it. Even if it’s not meant for me.

So thank you, Ben, for giving me love to always believe in.

your hipbones don’t impress me

I don’t need perfect. I don’t need chiseled abs and protruding hip bones. I don’t need a rigid jaw and teeth so white they sparkle. I don’t need six feet tall or bright blue eyes or sun-kissed skin or tight biceps and a tighter ass.

I just need a good sense a humor. An honest, thoughtful opinion. A strong mind. A passionate soul. A curiosity. A smile that turns the corners of my lips. A laugh that warms and swarms and melts. A heart that beats its own brilliant rhythm. And cannot wait for me to sing along.

Please just give me someone who doesn’t give up. Someone who doesn’t turn back. Someone who believes. And trusts. And dreams.

You can have yours tall and dark and handsome. I’ll take mine courageous and clever.

And he and I will be just fine.